I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
