You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
