when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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