Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
