Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
