New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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