i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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