I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
