so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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