I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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