a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
