I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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