Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize