You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
