You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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