I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
