Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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