i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
