Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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