Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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