I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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