I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
