Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
