i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize