Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
