i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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