At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize