remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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