i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
