First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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