she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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