He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I intend to get homeless drunk
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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