Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
