Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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