my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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