Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
