He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
