My liver just broke up with me...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
