So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
