why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
