I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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