Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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