Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
