you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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