Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
