The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
