god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
