you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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