I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
