DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
