he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
