I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize