I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If I die, sorry about rent.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
