I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
