hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
