you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
