i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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