I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
