if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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